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Archive - Humour

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THE NORTHERN PRO
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BRIDGE IS NOT A SPORT BECAUSE IT LACKS THE PHYSICAL ELEMENT !..... NOW THAT REALLY IS A LOAD OF NONSENSE

( Carp finally speaks out )

How come archery , rifle shooting and darts are all classed as sports when the key objective of all the competitors is to remain perfectly still , before executing shots by the the oh so careful pull and release of an arm , the finger squeeze of the trigger  and a forward flick of the wrist ?

What physical element there is in these sports falls into absolute insignificance when compared to the physical demands of bridge

Indeed , I have examined in detail the physical movements highly competitive bridge players undertake when performing in top class events. And let me tell you ,  many of them are energy sapping and exhausting. So let's look at some of the physical demands put upon bridge players which people ( including judges ) have failed to see......

1. Repeatedly getting up and down from chairs

2. Holding up cards for long periods of time

3. Placing and picking up cards onto and off the table

4. Sorting cards into suits and rank order

5. Repeatedly fanning , folding and re-fanning their cards

6. Shrugging shoulders in abject disgust and despair

7. Leaning well back in condescending delight and smugness

8. Leaning well forward to eye-ball unethical opponents

9. Squirming about in seats in absolute discomfort and distress

10. Strumming fingers on the table to flag up impatience or boredom

11. Nervously scratching forbidden zones of their bodies

12. Tensing facial muscles prior to making an awkward or difficult decision

13. Violently grabbing partners to shake some goddamn sense into them

14. Launching bridgemates with some velocity to demonstrate frustration and anger   

15. Ripping up score cards in absolute disgust

16. Slamming exit doors with extreme gusto for dramatic effect

17. Jumping up and down either in rage.... or with glee

18. Craning necks in order to obtain a better view 

19. Regularly going off on intelligence gathering walkabouts

20. Racing after officious TDs to give them a piece of their mind

21. Running to the bar for urgently needed therapeutic refreshments and/or liquid stimulants 

22. Jostling for a better position in the buffet queues

23. Ducking and diving to escape the wrath of their team-mates

24. Puffing out chests to bloat and inflate their self-importance even more 

25. Writhing about in shame and embarrassment as their wretched scores come under close scrutiny   

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